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Friday, 25 March 2011
I Have the Thyroid Thing
21:17 | Posted by
Louise Sopher
I have the thyroid-thing: I see all these people on the trains, see their necks and their faces; see they're exhausted; see they're sleeping; see they're daydreaming...and I feel sorry for them. They could be hypo, but they don't know.
I have the thyroid-thing: I look at these people, sleeping; daydreaming - and I think 'I used to be you'. I love the way I am, the super speedy me; the third - do I have a third? - personality me. My endo said my body's heading into overdrive (in other words yes I am becoming a little hyper...in my case over-treated with thyroxine). It was obvious from the word go - from over two years ago - that this was going to happen, seeing as I went shooting down when I added the extra pills to my concoction. But I wouldn't call this shooting up - it's more like I was flung into outer space when I came off those other pills, with my arms spread in front of me; reaching, in this gravity-less place; on a road which takes quite a while, for the planet ahead of me, bright red (the worst colour, but it signals that things are intense), and that two weeks ago I was close enough to touch its crispy edge, and as for now? Well...I tested his theory (and mine, for I queried the change) on the escalator: walked as fast as I could through the crowds, swung myself around those slow-walking, suddenly stopping strangers like I like to do, headed the wrong way but quickly recovered over a dozen times with my super-speedy decision-making and my power-walking legs - yeah, look at me: speedy me; charged with a rocket me; look at me, yeah.
But it's all got to go. And I knew it would. I'm supercharged, like a laptop that's been over-clocked: it's a dangerous game to play. No - I refuse - (and watch my list here, you'll like it I swear)
to exclude the possibility
of a wide-eyed me;
of a super-speedy me;
of a brain activated,
super-speedy chatty problem-solving one
hundred and thirty laps in the pool
Me.
Yeah.
What do you do if you don't want to overclock your laptop but you do want the same results?
You clean your hard drive, empty your internet cache, delete unwanted software, complete a virus scan, de-fragment your fragments and then you restart. And what you get is just as good.
Yeah.
I know what to do: I'll make this feeling last; it's the same feeling you get when you suddenly start being able to do something, with no warning but many falls behind you. You felt it? You know it? It's like a drug, but one you're only given every few years. You had it? Let me tell you - you sure as hell want it. I know what to do: I'll make it last...
I'll make it last...at least
I'll try.
Otherwise I know I sure will miss the overdrive; I sure will miss my second ever taste of life on the other side (because this need to go on alternate doses is a little deja vu. Just so long as I don't, in a few months, start on another medication to add to my totally reduced concoction, maybe my timeline won't circle and circle and circle). Levothyroxine isn't addictive - but a taste of hyper for a hypo?; A taste of the extra RAM; the overdrive that's fucking brilliant?
That sure is.
Damn good I have an imagination to see where things could go. Damn good, doc, I can see my guilt twenty years down the line if I let this be; damn good I doubt myself like that; damn good, proff, don't you think - that I'm not screaming; leaping; yelling for this thing; this thing that I call a drug.
I have the thyroid-thing: I look at these people, sleeping; daydreaming - and I think 'I used to be you'. I love the way I am, the super speedy me; the third - do I have a third? - personality me. My endo said my body's heading into overdrive (in other words yes I am becoming a little hyper...in my case over-treated with thyroxine). It was obvious from the word go - from over two years ago - that this was going to happen, seeing as I went shooting down when I added the extra pills to my concoction. But I wouldn't call this shooting up - it's more like I was flung into outer space when I came off those other pills, with my arms spread in front of me; reaching, in this gravity-less place; on a road which takes quite a while, for the planet ahead of me, bright red (the worst colour, but it signals that things are intense), and that two weeks ago I was close enough to touch its crispy edge, and as for now? Well...I tested his theory (and mine, for I queried the change) on the escalator: walked as fast as I could through the crowds, swung myself around those slow-walking, suddenly stopping strangers like I like to do, headed the wrong way but quickly recovered over a dozen times with my super-speedy decision-making and my power-walking legs - yeah, look at me: speedy me; charged with a rocket me; look at me, yeah.
But it's all got to go. And I knew it would. I'm supercharged, like a laptop that's been over-clocked: it's a dangerous game to play. No - I refuse - (and watch my list here, you'll like it I swear)
to exclude the possibility
of a wide-eyed me;
of a super-speedy me;
of a brain activated,
super-speedy chatty problem-solving one
hundred and thirty laps in the pool
Me.
Yeah.
What do you do if you don't want to overclock your laptop but you do want the same results?
You clean your hard drive, empty your internet cache, delete unwanted software, complete a virus scan, de-fragment your fragments and then you restart. And what you get is just as good.
Yeah.
I know what to do: I'll make this feeling last; it's the same feeling you get when you suddenly start being able to do something, with no warning but many falls behind you. You felt it? You know it? It's like a drug, but one you're only given every few years. You had it? Let me tell you - you sure as hell want it. I know what to do: I'll make it last...
I'll make it last...at least
I'll try.
Otherwise I know I sure will miss the overdrive; I sure will miss my second ever taste of life on the other side (because this need to go on alternate doses is a little deja vu. Just so long as I don't, in a few months, start on another medication to add to my totally reduced concoction, maybe my timeline won't circle and circle and circle). Levothyroxine isn't addictive - but a taste of hyper for a hypo?; A taste of the extra RAM; the overdrive that's fucking brilliant?
That sure is.
Damn good I have an imagination to see where things could go. Damn good, doc, I can see my guilt twenty years down the line if I let this be; damn good I doubt myself like that; damn good, proff, don't you think - that I'm not screaming; leaping; yelling for this thing; this thing that I call a drug.
Labels:
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Lost for Words
Blank and Blur - below is a writing entry found on my laptop, dated October 2007 - a year before I was diagnosed; a year before I knew there was anything wrong with me. Thyroid Disease is real, and it's not one of those things caused by your thinking that you're ill.
'I’m lost for words: I’m completely and utterly lost for words. Nothing is swirling in my head; no complex mixture of thoughts – hell, not even something downright simple. What is this? A trap of writers block? Yet I’ve not even claimed myself enough to have that title standing over me. So what? Am I ready to begin? Yet again time is crawling behind me, lashing it’s claws at me and striking deep, sickening holes in me; holes which weep oceans of red-brown blood; blood which trickles down my skin and sinks into the next gash; the ocean flowing like lava from a volcano, burning, sizzling, steaming, melting my skin. I turn my eyes away…and begin….'
'I’m lost for words: I’m completely and utterly lost for words. Nothing is swirling in my head; no complex mixture of thoughts – hell, not even something downright simple. What is this? A trap of writers block? Yet I’ve not even claimed myself enough to have that title standing over me. So what? Am I ready to begin? Yet again time is crawling behind me, lashing it’s claws at me and striking deep, sickening holes in me; holes which weep oceans of red-brown blood; blood which trickles down my skin and sinks into the next gash; the ocean flowing like lava from a volcano, burning, sizzling, steaming, melting my skin. I turn my eyes away…and begin….'
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